‘I thought we were going to wake up missing a kidney’ said Mr C.
No – we hadn’t just been lured by some hot prostitutes into some run down brothel in a third world country – we had just been to a ‘salon’ called Bliss Fish in Greenwich, Landan for a fish pedicure, courtesy of a KGB Deals.
The victims? Me, Mr C and Megan, my cousin and star of YouTube.
The price? £8 per person.
The true cost? Our sanity and possibly our feet.
I never really paid much attention to KGB deals – I think because it’s called KGB deals – but seeing as they’ve spent a fortune on TV adverts and proclaim to ‘test’ all their offers I booked the fish pedicures because little Megan has always wanted to try it out.
The deal was supposed to be this:
£8 for 30 minute fish pedicure, foot scrub, foot massage, and a glass of bubbly (or substitute drink for kids).
This superb fish spa boasts luxury tanks, where expert Garra Rufa fish will get to work gently nibbling and exfoliating any unwanted dead skin cells, to provide you with a relaxing and refreshing spa experience.
So – the morning of the treatments I forgot what time we booked for – it was either 5 or 6pm. So we called (this is from 12 (when it opens) to 3pm) over and over but no one was picking up. Eventually Mr C called a mobile number which was what was used to book, and the lady told us to call the shop – erm, yes we tried all morning. She got back to us after a while with the booking time but I did find it odd that a salon didn’t have anyone answering the phone at all!
Greenwich. Sort of out of the way isn’t it? After getting completely confused on the tubes/DLRs and a 15 minute walk we got to Bliss Fish.
Salon. What is a salon anyway? I guess it’s just a room with stuff in it.
When we got to the salon/spa, whatever, which was a space with three fish tanks in it and…a few windows. (I was dying for the loo – I figured there WOULD be a loo at a salon but let’s just say, I didn’t ask).
The person on duty was a gentleman, who reminded me of DJ Talent.
Hello, I said.
Hi, he said….and back to texting.
Three other ladies were in there at the time, grinning at me. Grinning. It was sort of a….what’s the word? A knowing grin.
‘I was excited about this…’ said one girl, ‘and I had to use up a voucher that I got for my birthday.’ Emphasis on was and had.
I had some nail polish on my big toe and was actually worried that they wouldn’t let me have the treatment. No need to worry! No one is checking my feet first! DJ Talent points to the tanks (taken up by the other 3 ladies) and says ‘Go on’. We look at each other, a bit confused at the total lack of direction and the girls looked awkwardly at each other. It’s a bit like being naked and being told to sit next to someone in the sauna.
At Aqua Sheko we had out feet washed first (obviously) to make sure dirt and bits of crud were washed off and none of us had verrucas or other nasties. (Speaking of Aqua Sheko, it was great to see them on Dragons Den last night! I think they do Fish Pedicures really professionally compared to some of the awful places that just stick some fish in a tank and that’s it .
Also I recognised the guy as the one who washed my (and Mr C’s) feet when we visited! The guy is a Oxford Graduate which a 1st class degree – I was just impressed the couple who owned the business are so hands on instead of employing minions to do things like washing customer’s feet. And off my soapbox…)
Anyway – no such attention here. You basically help yourself – whip off your socks and dip your feet in to the tank NEXT TO A TOTAL STRANGER!!! Yuk!!! Tank sharing, my friends. No prewashing feet, no checking the feet are ok. One lady was nice enough to jump out of her tank and share with a friend so that me and Megs could sit with each other but it didn’t stop me from seeing lots of white floaty bits in the water.
KGB say they test out EVERY company they do offers with. REALLY?!? REALLY?!?!?!??! If this is true and they tested out Bliss Fish first, then my god, I don’t want to ever buy a KGB deal ever again.
I swear, if it wasn’t for the sake of Megan – who loved the fish pedicure – I would’ve just walked out.
After a while DJ Talent (and I’m not saying he was mean at all, just…misguided. It would be like me working in Halfords giving people advice on brakes) gave me a plastic tumbler of some fizzy white wine thing (champagne?!) and poor Megs wasn’t given anything.
At some point his mate across the road from the Kebab house comes in and takes a seat. He then pops out again. It’s all very odd. The music is blasting – some kind of local underground radio. I’m sorry but I am really rubbish with naming modern music (is it Bach?) but it sort of went, ‘A SHOUT OUT TO MY EAST END MASSIIVVVVVVEEEEE. E9, E10, E11′.
30 mins later, sitting there, looking out the window and wondering why I make some many stupid choices in life, it was over. DJ Talent did look up for long enough to say to Mr C, ‘Had enough?’. Mr C looks at me to check, I nod like the Churchill Dog having a seizure ‘yes yes yes done’ and we are given some towels to mop up our soggy feet.
Foot massage and scrub – you must be joking right? It was absolutely NOT included and I was not going to ask DJ Talent to rub my feet any time soon.
We ran, we rannnnnnnnnnnnnnn away. It was of course, a big fat con – we paid £8 to stick our feet in shared tanks and have some Garra Rufa chew at our smelly feet (sorry fish) it wouldn’t have been worth a penny more. In fact you’d have to pay me to go back!
Have you ever tried a treatment at a somewhat scary place?!