20 Things I learned from William and Kate: The Movie

I, for one, am really looking forward to the Royal Wedding – after all, it’s not going to happen very often in my lifetime and I can’t wait to see what The Queen will be wearing (I love the Queen).

In the UK, you can’t get away from Royal Wedding stuff, it is there every 5 seconds on TV, in the papers, on the net, on the radio etc. etc.

Anyway, yesterday, whilst I was enjoying this long weekend off we call Easter, I happened to catch William and Kate: The Movie on Channel 5.

If you aren’t from the UK then here’s the background on Channel 5 – no one watches it apart from your dirty old uncle who catches the soft core porn they show at 1am.

Anyway, William and Kate The Movie is every bit as cringeworthy and awful as you can imagine. Bad English accents, unrealistic scenery, completely ridiculous dialogue, Ben Fogle as Prince William, George Bush as Prince Charles, and Trinny Woodall as Carole Middleton.

But it’s still not as bad as an episode of Hollyoaks.

But you have to see it. It is so bad, it’s good. I haven’t been amazed by something THIS awful in a while.

I won’t ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it yet (ok, it’s not hard to guess the storyline) but here are 20 things that I have learned about William and Kate based on the TV Movie:1. Prince William actually has a full head of hair and isn’t goofy.

2. Anyone who attends University in Great Britain speaks like The Queen and wears cable knit sweaters.

3. British pubs look an awful lot like American bars.

4. Student accommodation is very similar to the inside of a luxury hotel or 5* apartment.

5. Students always make fresh lasagne and eat it at parties.

6. You can have a student party with lots of guests and no one will call the police and no one will puke all over the sofa.

7. Kate Middleton has the moves of Demi Moore in Striptease.

8. Aristocrats use words like ‘botty’.

9. Prince William is a goer that went for a kiss even though Kate Middleton had a boyfriend who was about 10 paces away.

10. Kate Middleton turned down a kiss from a Prince. In fact she spends a lot of time turning him down in general.


11. Falling in love involves lots of glancing at each other over the shoulder.

12. Kate Middleton gave it up very quickly after the first kiss (you know what).

13. All Prince Charles does with his time is shoot birds and goes skiing.

14. The Middleton family, like many British families sit around in dressing gowns and slippers in the morning watching ‘soccer’ together.

15. Carole Middleton spent a lot of time asking her daughter if dating a Prince was worth it (ahem).

16. Working in fashion is really easy and involves putting things on to a mannequin and not much else.

17. Kate Middleton swam through a lake in the manner of Mr Darcy to get to Prince William and didn’t once think about the leeches.

18. Kate Middleton spent a lot of time crying over Prince William who is an insensitive oaf…

19. …But despite this Kate Middleton seemed to spend years waiting around for Prince William to propose…

20. …And when he finally does, against a very realistic African sunset where neither of them have a bead of sweat on their bodies, we cannot help but feel relieved – it is a about-bloody-time moment.

I was relieved, my twitter buddies were relived, Mr C was relieved, because another 10 minutes of the movie would’ve led to instant slitting of wrists.

So basically – if you haven’t seen it, you have to!

If you did see the film please feel free to continue this list!

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  1. Jen says

    “He’s just a guy…”…you just know from this line on the promo that this made for tv movie would be pure cheese 😀 I managed to watch about 20 min of the beginning, I probably could have sat through the whole movie as it was one of those so-cheesy-it’s-good movies haha

  2. says

    A little late to comment on this, but nevermind!

    It aired here in Greece a few days later, I knew I had to watch after your tweets about it, lol!
    I totally agree abt Middleton’s Moore-esque moves!
    And also, how amazing was that embellished body? The real life thing was a rag next to what they used in the “movie”!!!
    Btw, I also loved the part where the lady that taught her manners/protocol threw those snidey remarks at her, too funny!