Roll up, roll up, for Cosmetic Candy’s new series, Beauty Court.
All you badly behaved cosmetics will have no where to hide, now that I can take you to court! (suggestions for offenders are also welcome).
This week we are dealing with Asian beauty products that have have strange names which have been sound like they have been conjured up by a copywriter on acid.
We are not talking about Engrish or dialect induced spelling mistakes (a common one – Lip Gross instead of Lip Gloss).
We are talking about daft names – period.
(I am not picking on Asian products by the way – obviously there are silly make up names from all over the world – in English, in French, in Swahili…I will weed them all out for future posts…but maybe not in Swahili.)
Here are my 5 quick picks…
Offender: Majolica Majorca (Japan)
Product: Autumn 2009 Range
When I reviewed this dark and pretty range from Majolica Majorca, reader MandyP remarked, “Don’t you mean fairly sadistic?“. Mandy is so funny!
I am guessing that the dominatrix whip-clad model is supposed to be as pretty as a fairy but also with a dark side – hence the sadistic. Unfortunately, sadistic is also a good word to describe serial killers, animal torturers, Cheryl Cole’s dress sense and so on.
Or maybe I need to open my mind – next time I am in a new group situation, and people are describing themselves as “Friendly”, “Fun-Loving”, “Funny”, “Single”, “Intelligent”, I’ll just whack them with my handbag and say, “Me? I’m fairly sadistic.”2. Milk Screw
Offender: Etude House (Korea)
Product: Lip Tint/Balm
Put the word Screw into anything, and I’m going to start giggling uncontrollably like a 14 year old forced to write the word ‘testicles’ in biology class.
Milk Screw is a lip tint/balm from Etude House – it has a slightly creamy look to it, which is where the milk comes from – the screw….erm….I’m struggling here. I guess it has a ring to it.
That reminds me, remember Screw Ball ice creams?
Now there’s a product that deserves to have the word Screw in its name!
(By the way I did buy this – review coming up!)
3. Brilliance Forming
Offender: VISEE (Japan)
Product: Eyeshadow Quad
Visee are a brand that make really nice eyeshadows and mascaras – so imagine my surprise (ok, I wasn’t actually surprised) when they launched a range called ‘Brilliance Forming’.
Wear this eyeshadow and you will see your brilliance forming. If I wear this eyeshadow to work every day this month, I should be the CEO before Christmas…
The truth is there is nothing wrong with this name, its just a bit silly.
Its something that should’ve been a line in My Fair Lady…Audrey Hepburn is playing the piano…she has magically graduated from playing Chopsticks to Rachmaninov’s Piano Concerto No. 2 overnight and Rex Harrison, looking slightly teary says to her, whilst she basks in the light….”Darling? Darling….do you hear that? Its your brilliance, forming.”
4. Mango Jelly, Orange Biscuit, Maple Doughnut and Raspberry Macaroon.
Offender: Palty (Japan)
Product: Hair Dye
Japanese hair dyes are amazing by they way – I highly recommend them if you have trouble making hair colour stick, or you have trouble getting dye to show up on dark hair. But that aside…
Palty is a big player in the Japanese hair dye market. They are always bringing out new shades and I’ve noticed the newer ones have food themed names – Mango Jelly, Orange Biscuit, Maple Doughnut and Raspberry Macaroon.
I love maple doughnuts. I love mango jelly. I don’t think I want hair the same colour as mango jelly though:
I don’t want to tell someone my hair dye is called Orange Biscuit either, incase they start sniffing my hair or even worse, try to dunk it in their tea.
I like a bit of fun but I think something less food related and more descriptive when it comes to hair dye (ie. Black. Brown. Red. Yellow.) is more practical. After all, your mango jelly probably doesn’t come out the same shade as my mango jelly.
Offender: Lioele (Korea)
Product: Lip Gloss
Ok, ok, this one isn’t that bad. It probably isn’t bad at all – its just the word ‘tox’ makes me think of one thing only…’tocks’:
Everytime I use this lip gloss, I will think of furry tails and little podgy bums. That can’t be a bad thing, right?