Baftas = Boring

This is the completely undefinitive review of the Bafatas 2009 and it completely biased.

The “Orange” (note: the worst phone network in history) Bafta is such a boring boring boring awards ceremony and you know half the people there couldn’t really be arsed turning up; its cold and wet in London, no one cares about the stupid award and you have to listen to Jonathan Ross make daft topical jokes that no one out of England understands or cares to understand.

Anyhow – the Baftas badly sucks balls because it always gives awards to its own, whether they are deserving or not. Hence lots of nominations for British actors and crappy films that no one has ever seen.

Kate Winslet annoys me no end. I like they way they gave her the closest seat to the stage because it was soooooo obvious she was going to win, even though I think Meryl is more deserving.

She’s soooooooo smug. Please god don’t give her the Oscar.

Ooh I love Angelina’s dress…

Mick Jagger made a joke and Brad and Angelina starring the ‘The Sound of Music’ with their millions of kids. Oh, how her jaw clentched but she feined a smile…she can’t exactly kick Mick Jagger’s head in…

For some reason, the Baftas allows D-listers to attend to like Alesha (of former pop band Misteeq – yes, exactly, who?):

Penelope’s fringe looked like someone had put a bowl over it in a hotel and cut, as neatly and as straight as they could. She looks terrible with that hair:

Slumdog Millionare won everything else and it really isn’t even THAT good a movie. Benjamin Button is even worse so either way, its a lose-lose situation.

I am happy about Mickey Rourke winning for the Wrestler, although after his foul mouthed acceptance speech, I can’t imagine the Oscar people wanting to give it to him instead.

Final rant – Noel Clarke won a rising star award (Where the public vote – presumably Noel has a big family and 5000 friends on Facebook because he won):

He wrote, directed and starred in two films called Kidulthood and Adulthood, which my 14 year old Bebo-obsessed cousin says is “Well cool, lolz” which basically tells you all you need to know.

Anyway, our Noel got lots of cheers when he won and like a true gentlemen forgot himself by swaggering up to the stage, popping his collar in true modest fashion…

Boy, you are in the presence of Meryl Streep. You don’t swagger up to the stage like you own the shop – it makes you look like a brat picking up the award at high school with your friends hollering in the background.

Anyway here are the winners:

BEST FILM
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE Christian Colson

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
MAN ON WIRE Simon Chinn / James Marsh

THE CARL FOREMAN AWARD for Special Achievement by a British Director, Writer or Producer for their First Feature Film
STEVE McQUEEN Director/Writer – Hunger

DIRECTOR
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE Danny Boyle

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
IN BRUGES Martin McDonagh

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE Simon Beaufoy

FILM NOT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
I’VE LOVED YOU SO LONG Yves Marmion / Philippe Claudel

ANIMATED FILM
WALL•E Andrew Stanton

LEADING ACTOR
MICKEY ROURKE The Wrestler

LEADING ACTRESS
KATE WINSLET The Reader

SUPPORTING ACTOR
HEATH LEDGER The Dark Knight

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
PENÉLOPE CRUZ Vicky Cristina Barcelona

MUSIC
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE A. R. Rahman

CINEMATOGRAPHY
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE Anthony Dod Mantle

EDITING
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE Chris Dickens

PRODUCTION DESIGN
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON Donald Graham Burt / Victor J. Zolfo

COSTUME DESIGN
THE DUCHESS Michael O’Connor

MAKE UP & HAIR
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON Jean Black / Colleen Callaghan

SOUND
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE Glenn Freemantle / Resul Pookutty / Richard Pryke / Tom Sayers / Ian Tapp

SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON Eric Barba / Craig Barron / Nathan McGuinness / Edson Williams

SHORT ANIMATION
WALLACE AND GROMIT: A MATTER OF LOAF AND DEATH Steve Pegram / Nick Park / Bob Baker

SHORT FILM
SEPTEMBER Stewart

ACADEMY FELLOWSHIP
TERRY GILLIAM

OUTSTANDING BRITISH CONTRIBUTION TO CINEMA
PINEWOOD STUDIOS / SHEPPERTON STUDIOS

THE ORANGE RISING STAR AWARD (voted for by the public)
NOEL CLARKE

BORING! Bring on the Oscars, and bring on some surprises!